Writer Mag Column 16: Relative Pronouns

Hanging out with the relatives: Tips on how to use "that" and "which"

This holiday season, my relatives and I shared fun times, meals and a few germs. I should have spent time with some other relatives, guys like "that" and "which." If I had, I wouldn't be coughing right now. On the other hand, getting along with these relatives can be difficult—like any relatives, "that" and "which" have certain quirks.

A common place you'll meet up with "that" and "which," along with other relative pronouns such as "where" and "who," is at the head of a relative clause. You'll see them in sentences such as The potato salad that made me sick had not been refrigerated and The potato salad, which made me sick, had not been refrigerated.

The difference between a "that" sentence and a "which" sentence sometimes stumps writers. Choose "that" if you're giving vital information; you cannot delete the clause without changing the meaning. Choose "which" if you can delete the "which" clause. In the first potato-salad sentence, the clause "that made me sick" is describing a particular toxic dish. In the second, the "which" clause acts as an aside. The difference is officially called restrictive ("that" clauses) versus nonrestrictive ("which" clauses).

"That" and "which" have other uses, though, and that's where the quirks come in.

Quirk 1: You can sometimes leave out "that."

I think that you're wonderful has the same meaning as I think you're wonderful. In this sentence, it's perfectly fine to leave out "that." In a similar vein, the sentences I said I would eat a sandwich and I said that I would eat a sandwich are equal.

Keeping or omitting a "that" is often just a matter of personal preference. Some think (that) adding "that" improves the flow of the sentence and makes it easier for readers to understand. Others believe (that) they should delete every seemingly unnecessary "that." I often like to keep my "that" if it helps the rhythm of the sentence. It's up to you as the writer to decide.

If you do get rid of a "that," be careful not to write a sentence that could be ambiguous or misunderstood. In the sentence Natalie maintains Jake's yard is too small, it first appears (that) Natalie is maintaining Jake's yard. When we get to the end of the sentence, though, we learn (that) "maintains" is a synonym for "thinks." A "that" fixes everything: Natalie maintains that Jake's yard is too small.

It's sometimes tricky to know if your sentence is ambiguous because you, the writer, know what you mean. I always find it useful to put aside my work for a while and then read it again with fresh eyes, or you could always rope in a colleague to read over your work.

Quirk 2: It's OK to use "that" to refer to a person.

Traditionally, you use "who" with a person, as in He is the relative who poisoned me with his potato salad. It is also acceptable to use "that" instead of "who," although it might rub some people the wrong way. I personally prefer "who," but if you're a person that wants to use "that," go right ahead.

Quirk 3: You may use "which" at the beginning of a sentence—sometimes.

"Which" traditionally modifies a noun, as in the sentence I crossed the suspension bridge, which seemed to sway in the heavy wind. Here, "which" describes "bridge." You can also use a "which" clause to modify another clause or an entire sentence, as in I had to spend the whole day with my relatives, which tired me out. Here, "which tired me out" refers to the entire part of the sentence that came before it: "I had to spend the whole day with my relatives."

If you wanted to create a dramatic effect with the "bridge" sentence above, you could end the sentence at "bridge" and use a stand-alone "which" phrase: I crossed the suspension bridge. Which seemed to sway in the heavy wind. If you do so, you'll be using a sentence fragment. Which you are allowed to use occasionally to make your point stand out.

Use this technique sparingly, though. You don't want to overdo things. Also, ensure that your "which" clause doesn't confuse readers by potentially referring to more than one noun.

Quirk 4: You can use "where" instead of "at which" or "in which."

Compare these two sentences: The store at which I met you had a sale and The store where I met you had a sale. The first is a bit uptight, whereas the second is more conversational. Which one you choose depends on your audience or on the character who utters the words. A character who's asking questions in a courtroom might use "at which" or "in which"; a teenage character who's chatting with her friends is more likely to say "where."

If it wouldn't sound odd for your character to say "which," you can use different prepositions before it to make your sentence quite precise. For example, The house at which I saw you differs slightly from The house in which I saw you. If you use "where," you lose the subtle distinction: The house where I saw you.

Quirk 5: "That" clauses often turn into misplaced modifiers. (You've heard me say it before, but I enjoy repeating myself.)

Frankly, "that" clauses suffer terrible abuse. Take, for example, this awful sentence, taken from a newspaper article about how DNA in a leech helped solve a crime in Australia: Detectives found the leech at the crime scene and extracted blood from it that they believed was from one of the two suspects. The unusual sequence of words in this sentence—"from it that"—should be illegal in English. The perpetrator of this Criminal Sentence deserves a mandatory life term.

Another Criminal Sentence I object to involves a "that" clause but the actual "that" is missing (see Quirk 1): Sanders has friends in the building he was visiting that night. Was Sanders visiting the friends or the building?

Please fix these two Criminal Sentences and send your rewrites to curiouscase@hotmail.com. If you're rusty on your misplaced modifiers, read up on them. Hint: If your sentence contains two nouns that a clause could modify, be sure to put the modifying clause next to the right noun.

My Guest Post on guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog

Check out my guest post on the Guide to Literary Agents blog:

http://www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/7+Things+Ive+Learned+So+Far+By+Bonnie+Trenga.aspx

Criminal Sentence 328: Getting the Name Right

One of the top Belgian tennis players is named Kim Clijsters. Note the "s" on the end.

Seen on ESPN2's Australian Open tennis coverage when the camera panned onto Kim's husband:

"Clijster's husband"

This caption suggests Kim's last name is Clijster, which is not correct. Just move the apostrophe after the complete name:

"Clijsters' husband"

Criminal Sentence 327: Birds Sneeze ... and

Subjects agree with verbs. From a column in my local paper:

"If you have a bird and it sneeze once or twice a day and the discharge is clear, there's probably nothing wrong with it."

Just a proofreading issue here.

P.S. I wouldn't want to be the discharge-color checker.

Poll Results 70

Here was the question:

Does this sound odd to you? "Incredible sandwiches and pizzeria"
Yes 83 (95%)
No 4 (4%)

So, should I tell the restaurant that its marketing slogan is odd?

What do you want to know about?

A challenge for you: what question of style, grammar, usage or punctuation would you like me to cover in a future Writer Magazine column? Just read the columns I've written so far to make sure I haven't already answered your question, and remember it has to be a somewhat larger issue or a cluster of related issues.

Please post requests in the Comments section. If it's a topic that is too brief or if I like the idea but it's rejected by the editors, I'll answer the question in a post.

If your question does indeed become the basis for a column, I'll mail you a free signed copy of The Curious Case of the Misplaced Modifier! (And later I'll quiz you on it. Just kidding. Maybe.)

Criminal Sentence 326: Hyphen Issues

A nutrition tip from an iPhone app:

"Top a whole wheat muffin with all fruit jams."

This information might be useful, but at first I thought I was being instructed to put every kind of fruit jam onto a whole--not a partial--wheat muffin. Let's break it down:

"a whole wheat muffin" with no hyphen suggests "an entire wheat muffin," not a muffin made of whole wheat. Another sentence in this vein might be "I ate a whole apple." A hyphen clears everything up:

"a whole-wheat muffin"

Now for the second one:

"all fruit jams"

At first I thought it meant every kind of fruit jam. Another sentence in this vein is "All muscular men can flex." As earlier, a hyphen clears up the jam problem and informs us that it's an all-fruit jam.

So this tip is encouraging us to put jams that are all fruit on top of muffins made of whole wheat. We aren't supposed to pile on every jam known to (wo)man.

It's amazing how a lack of hyphens can confuse readers.

New Grammar Girl Episode: Using the Word "Get"

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/is-got-proper-english.aspx

Criminal Sentence 325: "Woman" Is the New "Female"

Two sentences close together in an article in today's paper:

"Who is likely to be the first woman president of the United States? ... Despite our assumption that a female president is inevitable and likely soonish..."

I personally object to using "woman" as an adjective. If presidents were ordinarily female and we were marveling at the possibility of a president who is a man, how many of us would write "the first man president"? Zero of us, most likely. Anyway, despite my dislike of "woman" as an adjective, it's common enough. So my second gripe here is that the writer was not consistent: woman president/female president. Pick one and stick with it.

Do you object to "woman" as an adjective?

Criminal Sentence 324: Donate a good sentence today

From a caption in an article about needy food banks:

"United Food Bank needs volunteers to pick backyard fruit for donation that would otherwise go to waste."

I wish this sentence would go to waste. A free grapefruit for anyone who can rewrite this correctly.

Hint: misplaced modifier.

Criminal Sentence 323: Pronouns

I'm trying to train my third grader to summarize books succinctly. He often begins his summary with "they." Of course I have no idea who he's talking about because a pronoun must refer to a previously mentioned noun.

Same problem here, in a book I read recently:

"Though they've never seen them [facial expressions], people blind from birth still use them."

As we find out later in the sentence, "they" means "people blind from birth." The fix is easy: just do a switcheroo:

"Though people blind from birth have never seen them [facial expressions], they still use them."

That mostly fixes the problem, but we still have two plural nouns, so the pronouns could confuse readers. It might be a good idea to avoid the pronouns:

"Though people blind from birth have never seen facial expressions, the sight impaired still grimace and smile, for example."

Poll Results 69

Here was the question:

How many things are wrong here? "Tell Us what you think. Let us know how were doing."

No	2 (2%)
One	13 (13%)
Two	64 (68%)
Three	14 (15%)

Congratulations to 68% of you. Here are the two errors:
1) No need to capitalize "Us."
2) "were" is missing an apostrophe: "we're."

What did 15% of you think was also wrong?

Bee Wear of Tie Pose

A great post about typos:

http://www.therejectionist.com/2010/01/one-of-these-words-is-not-like-other.html

Criminal Sentence 322: Proper nouns

From a Web site:

"However, with the dawn of the internet, that information is now readily available."

The phrase "the Internet" is usually capitalized.

Writer Mag Column 15: Comparisons

Dare to compare: Watch out when you’re making comparisons

When looking for a romantic partner, you may make a mental list of attributes and then compare various men or women with your ideal. But you can't make a love connection if the two of you are incompatible. In the same vein, when writing a sentence, you must compare two like items in a way that makes sense to readers. If you don't, you could end up with an incompatible, vague or one-sided comparison.

Comparisons can be tricky. In your mind, you're comparing two of the same item, but sometimes what you write doesn't come out as you intended. Comparing correctly is all about balance. Your readers are happily motoring along in your story. When they see an item that is being compared, their minds expect the other half of the equation to match up. If you inadvertently compare two incompatible things, though, readers will be miffed and confused.

When you see comparison words such as "than," "like," "unlike," "similar," "different," "more" and "less," be aware that an incorrect comparison may be lurking. Take this Criminal Sentence as an example of what not to do:

Unlike married couples, dating may be required for you.

This sentence inaccurately compares "married couples" and "dating." Oops. A casual listener will probably understand that you're comparing "married couples" and single "you." But it's better to be precise and compare similar things. In this case, the sentence should compare "married couples" to some other person:

Unlike married couples, you may need to date.

This Criminal Sentence incorrectly compares "appearance" to "beauty queens":

Her appearance was said to rival beauty queens.

This is a sneaky sentence because it doesn't use one of the "watch-out" words. Instead, the verb "rival" indicates a comparison. Let's rewrite this sentence using two common strategies for ensuring you're comparing two compatible things.

1. Use "that" or "those" to stand in for the second side of the comparison: Her appearance was said to rival that of beauty queens.

Here, we've compared the singular noun "appearance" to the singular pronoun "that." Although this has become a formal-sounding sentence, it is grammatically correct. If you don't like this strategy, move on to the next solution.

2. Reword the sentence. This is often the best option because doing so allows you to avoid vague comparisons. A sentence such as "A is better than B" doesn't communicate much information. If you make your comparisons more specific, you'll not only get rid of any potential comparison problem, but you'll also write a better sentence, as here: She was so beautiful that she rivaled Miss America.

One-sided comparisons are almost as bad. Get it? "Almost as bad as what?" you might ask. (Almost as bad as incorrect comparisons.) Writers often forget to finish the other side of the equation, and that leaves readers hanging. And it's often hard to recognize that you've done so, mostly because you've finished the thought inside your head instead of on the paper. Let's work on this Criminal Sentence:

This hair gel is more effective for attracting ladies.

This sentence is missing the "than" part. Although it may be difficult to recognize that you've left out vital information, it's easy to fix one-sided comparisons once you’ve found them. Either add the missing part or make it a more specific comparison. Using the first technique, we come up with this now-balanced sentence:

This hair gel is more effective than hairspray for attracting ladies.

Useful information, I'm sure, but let's go a bit further and make this comparison even more specific and useful:

While hairspray can help you lure a potential mate, this neon pink hair gel will really attract the ladies.

You're almost ready to launch yourself into the world of comparisons. I just want to warn you about one other teensy comparison-related mistake: Remember not to use "then" instead of "than." Therefore, you're not allowed to brag to a date, "I know more about comparisons then the average person." It's more "than."

Please fix these Criminal Sentences and send your rewrites to curiouscase@hotmail.com:

1: My expectations are completely different from everyone else.
2: Unlike muscles in the rotator cuff, surgery is the only way to repair a labrum tear.
3: The tennis player was more dominant.
4: Like the store's competitors, skyrocketing fuel costs have hurt its bottom line.

Criminal Sentence 321: Creative Fiction

Overheard on the Sirius radio broadcast while I was at the gym:

"Which fictitional character..."

I couldn't hide my surprisification at hearing this. I stopped mid-arm curl. This is a creative combination of the real words "fictitious" and "fictional." Will this make it into the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary?

Criminal Sentence 320: Comma fix

From a blog post:

"I wanted to write fiction, but couldn’t seem to sell it."

This comma is not necessary. Usually, a comma separates two complete sentences before a "but" or "and." So a comma would be necessary if another "I" appeared:

"I wanted to write fiction, but I couldn’t seem to sell it."

I would recommend no comma if there isn't a second "I," but some might say they like the comma because it adds a pause.

Criminal Sentence 319: Symbols and words

Seen on a sign:

"500' to 1000' square feet"

A similar problem:

"$10 million dollars"

English has a handy number of symbols that are used in the place of words. Therefore, it is redundant to use both the symbol and the word at the same time.

In the feet example, it would be better to get rid of the ' symbol; in the dollars example, get rid of the word "dollars."

Poll Results 68

Here was the question:

Which holiday-related error gets your goat the most?

Seasons Greetings 10 (13%)
Happy Holiday's 43 (59%)
New Years Eve/New Years Day 14 (19%)
Something even worse! 5 (6%)

I can't imagine what's worse! I hope you all have a happy and grammatical new year.

Grammar Girl episode: How to Use "Nor"

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/when-to-use-nor.aspx

Poll Results 67

Here was the question:

"Which punctuation mark do you think takes the most abuse?"

Apostrophe	20 (22%)
Colon	2 (2%)
Comma	41 (46%)
Dash	1 (1%)
Exclamation Point	16 (17%)
Parentheses	0 (0%)
Period	3 (3%)
Quotation Marks	2 (2%)
Semicolon	4 (4%)

It seems that the comma won, but I still feel it's the apostrophe.

Criminal Sentence 318: Long movie, misplaced modifier

Well, as you all know, "Avatar" is here. And our friend the misplaced modifier is also here. Both are in the same sentence in my local newspaper:

"But at 2 hours and 42 minutes, the shortcomings gather momentum..."

The shortcomings are 2 hours and 42 minutes long? Yikes!

The new year is coming shortly. Let's all resolve to eliminate misplaced modifiers in 2010 and beyond.

Criminal Sentence 317: Somethings

From a form letter about parent-teacher conferences:

"I have somethings I want to tell you."

Somethings not right here. Somethings amiss at my kids' school.

Later today, I have to buy somegroceries and cook somethingfordinner. As illustrated here, you can't just mush words together like that. True, "something" is a word, but its plural is not, unless you're spooked and are telling me, "There are a few somethings out there."

The note should have said, "I have some things I want to tell you, but we won't be discussing spelling."

Writer Mag Column 14: Ambiguous Sentences

Don't double your meaning: Avoid ambiguous sentences

Other than writing a boring story, the worst thing a writer can do is write a confusing one. Your thoughts swim around in your head, and it's your job to make sure those thoughts come out onto the page in the way you intended. You certainly don't want to write an ambiguous sentence, one that has two or more possible meanings.

An ambiguous sentence leads to two problems. First, your readers have to read your work at least twice in order to get your meaning. Second, your readers may chuckle if your sentence is accidentally amusing. Neither problem endears you to readers. Granted, it's hard to catch your own ambiguous sentences, but don't worry. I have identified four main risk factors that you can watch out for:

1. Sentences with adverbs. If your sentence contains more verbs than adverbs—say, two verbs and one adverb—you'll have to be careful where you put your adverb. If an adverb could attach to either verb, readers could misinterpret your meaning. This Criminal Sentence made me laugh:

I looked at every teenager walking down the road differently.

The writer was trying to say that the "I" of the sentence was looking at teenagers differently, but instead the sentence seems to be saying that every teenager was walking differently. I know I'm getting old, but I think I would have noticed a bunch of teenagers who were walking differently. Anyway, the writer put the adverb in an ambiguous place. Let's make it clear:

I looked differently at every teenager walking down the road.

This sentence is no longer criminal, though I suppose I'm still over the hill.

2. Sentences that contain the word "and." The word "and" joins things together, but sometimes it's not clear which items are being joined. Take this Criminal Partial Sentence, which I saw outside a burger joint:

Burger and peach shake: $2.99

My first reaction to this as I drove by was: Ewww, a shake made with burgers? Of course, I knew that the sign was advertising two items: a shake and a burger. More customers would have stopped in if the sign had been less ambiguous:

Peach shake and a burger: $2.99

That is no longer gross.

Here's another Criminal Sentence that illustrates the problem with "and":

They screamed when he came near them and bolted.

I'm not sure whether the writer means they screamed and then they bolted, or he came near them and then he bolted. Readers can usually puzzle things out based on the context, but don't make your audience do your work for you. Instead, make it clear. Depending on your intended meaning, rewrite:

They screamed and then bolted when he came near them.
They screamed when he first came near them and then bolted.

Readers no longer need to be confused, though I suppose some screaming is in order either way.

3. Sentences that could benefit from a comma. Commas, which separate items, are helpful little guys. In certain cases, if you don't use a comma to separate words, readers will have trouble parsing the sentence. I did a double take when I read this Criminal Sentence:

When we spoke before you gave me most of what I needed.

The word "before" is causing trouble here. Readers could read the sentence as "we spoke before you gave me [something]." If they did, the rest of the sentence would not make sense, so they'd have to back up and reread it. Only then would they realize that "When we spoke before" goes together. A comma would smooth the sentence for readers, saving them from having to wonder what goes with what. Here's a clearer version:

When we spoke before, you gave me most of what I needed.

Here's another Criminal Sentence that I had to read twice:

Besides these kinds of adventures are best shared with friends.

I thought at first that "Besides these kinds of adventures" went together. Nope. "Besides" is just by itself here, and a comma would instantly clarify things:

Besides, these kinds of adventures are best shared with friends.

Friends can share commas, too.

4. Sentences with prepositional phrases. I've complained about prepositional phrases in other columns. They often lead to misplaced modifiers because they come between the noun and the clause modifying it. Sometimes a misplaced prepositional phrase can lead to a sentence that seems ambiguous, as happens in this amusing sentence:

There are letters from Confederate soldiers lying on a Federal desk.

For a minute it appears that soldiers are lying on a desk, but we know that letters, not the soldiers, are. The prepositional phrase "from Confederate soldiers" needs to be put in its place so that "lying on a Federal desk" is not bunched up against "soldiers." Let's be more precise and less humorous:

Letters from Confederate soldiers are lying on a Federal desk.

So, watch for misplaced modifiers like the one in the "soldiers" sentence. But also be aware that even if there's no misplaced modifier, a preposition may attach ambiguously to something, as here:

He complied with bad humor.

"Complied" seems to go alongside "with," as in "He complied with the rules." However, when we get to "bad humor," we realize we are mistaken. "With" goes with "bad humor," not "complied." It would be unambiguous to write it this way:

With bad humor, he complied.

Now that you know some ways to avoid ambiguous sentences, please make these five Criminal Sentences clearer:

1. We found the address that he gave me without difficulty.
2. A backpack with a laptop and a vaccination card was recovered.
3. All autumn essays floated into my computer inbox.
4. But I know for sure that unless we try our chances will be zero.
5. He's been tracking criminals with a microscope for quite a number of years.

Send your unambiguous rewrites to curiouscase@hotmail.com and I'll check if you've avoided double trouble.

Criminal Sentence 316: Inquiring minds

An instruction on a tutoring Web site (I tutor grammar and writing):

"If your holiday plans will prevent you from responding to student inquires, please temporarily change your account status."

This is why Spell Check is useless.

Criminal Sentence 315: Newsworthy misspelling

From CNN yesterday:

"France returns artefacts to Egypt"

News is ever-changing, but spelling isn't. The word is "artifacts."

Poll Results 66

This was the question:

"This holiday season, are you planning to give a gift on grammar or writing?"

Yes, I want all of my friends and relatives to brush up on grammar.	4 (10%)
No, but only because I'm the only grammar nerd in my family.	17 (44%)
No, but I'm going to treat myself to something in that genre.	17 (44%)
No, I'm not that interested in grammar after all.	0 (0%)

Well, I'm glad that you're all still interested in grammar.

Ho ho ho.

New Grammar Girl Episode: The Difference between Who and Whom

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/who-versus-whom-advanced.aspx

Criminal Sentence 314: Hyphen help

From a book I just finished:

"[The company] wants each new employee evaluated at thirty, sixty, and ninety-day intervals..."

When you have a compound adjective such as "ninety-day," you need a hyphen, as the author so nicely included. You also need a hyphen with the other numbers since they all modify "intervals": thirty-, sixty-, and ninety-day intervals."

The beginning two hyphens seem to just be hanging there, but they're waiting to be partnered up with "day" later in the sentence. You could repeat "day" three times, but that wouldn't sound so good.

Criminal Sentence 313: A sitting tree

From a book I read recently:

"Sitting in the snow, the tree before him seemed tall and it seemed to lean toward him."

I suppose trees can sit, but I think the character was the one getting a cold rear end. It's just a quick fix: "As he sat in the snow, the tree..."

I would also like to harp about the unnecessary repetition of the word "seemed."

Criminal Sentence 312: Including repetitiveness

From something I edited recently:

"Several actions have been taken with great success including (but not limited to)..."

Well, if this isn't wordy and repetitive, I don't know what is. This is the worst kind of blather.

The word "include" by definition means you're giving a partial list, so you don't need to say it again and repeat it again (just kidding there).

This sentence is also passive. Why not say who did what exactly?

Criminal Sentence 311: Sick Doctor's Message

A sentence I heard while on hold for the doc's office:

"Our philosophy and goal is 100% satisfaction."

I had to cringe at that. But it's a common enough problem: a simple case of mismatch. When there is a single item, use a singular verb; when you have more than one, use a plural verb. So writers just need to ask themselves, "How many items am I talking about?" Here, the answer is two, so we need a plural verb:

"Our philosophy and goal are 100% satisfaction."

Poll Results 65

Here was the question:

How many things are wrong here? "With more value than ever, you’ll find unbeatable deals in every section on everything from travel and entertainment to fashion, grocery and more."

Definitely one	8 (9%)
Definitely two	16 (19%)
Two if you're picky	6 (7%)
Definitely three	31 (37%)
Three if you're picky	21 (25%)

Let's have a look:
Definite error 1: "With more value than ever, you'll..." "You" does not have more value than ever. That's a misplaced modifier.
Definite error 2: "...unbeatable deals in every section on everything..." Another misplaced modifier. The words "in every section" are in the way. This part of the sentence should read "unbeatable deals on everything."
Potential error: The phrasing "everything from travel and entertainment to fashion, grocery and more" is questionable. You could argue that the "and more" section is wordy and unnecessary, but technically it's not wrong. It would probably be better to say, "everything from travel and entertainment to fashion and grocery."
Congrats to 25% of you.

Criminal Sentence 310: Apostrophe abuse

From a Web site:

"If the cyst is small, its' rupture usually occurs unnoticed."

This is an apostrophe violation!

"Its" is a possessive adjective, as in "Its tail is wagging."
"It's" is a contraction of the words "it is," as in "It's raining/It is raining."
"Its'" is not a word.

Writer Mag Column 13: Three Grammar Myths Part 2

Ditch imaginary grammar rules, part 2

My last column dealt with three invented grammar rules, and I showed you why you don't need to follow them blindly. I want to clear up more misconceptions about grammar, so without further ado, here are three more fake rules.

Fake Rule 1: You must always use a comma before the last item in a series.

Punctuation rules are cut and dried. You must put a period at the end of a sentence. An end parenthesis is required if you've used a beginning one. And so on.

Punctuation rules are also complicated, but there's one rule you don't have to worry about anymore. It's called the serial comma, and it's not a rule but a style choice. Although The Chicago Manual of Style and The Elements of Style tell you to use a comma before the last item in a series of three or more items, you really don't have to. If, for example, you're writing that your character was wearing a hat, a purple necktie and a pair of shiny shoes, no comma is required after the word "necktie." Of course you can put one there if you want, but it's not mandatory.

Two caveats:

1) Once you've chosen which style you like, you need to be consistent. This means that if you prefer to use the serial comma, you should use it at all times, not just sometimes. If you prefer not to use it, then don't.

2) If readers could become confused by your list, use a comma before the last item—even if you are consistently not using the serial comma. Although you will no longer be 100 percent consistent, you'll be 100 percent clear.

For example, let's say you're writing about two married couples (Olivia/Ben and June/Chris) and a single woman (Jennifer) who had dinner together. It might be hard to tell who is with whom if you don't use the serial comma:

Olivia and Ben, June and Chris and Jennifer met at the restaurant.

If you want to make it clear that Jennifer arrived alone, you should add the serial comma:

Olivia and Ben, June and Chris, and Jennifer met at the restaurant.

Fake Rule 2: You're not allowed to use "since" to mean "because"; nor are you allowed to use "while" to mean "although."

Well, you can. Most of the time. Strict grammarians may not like it, but "since" and "because" can be synonyms, as can "while" and "although." My dictionary confirms it. Since we don't want to absentmindedly do away with perfectly good synonyms, let's keep them around. Here are some perfectly good sentences with "since" and "while":

"Since I love you, let's get married," he said.
"While I love you, too, I don't want to commit," she answered.

This conversation would be just as sad with "because" and "although":

"Because I love you, let's get married," he said.
"Although I love you, too, I don't want to commit," she answered.

Fussy grammarians might be a teensy bit right in some cases, though. "Since" and "while" do have other meanings, and you need to ensure you don't write an ambiguous sentence. You'll often use "since" to refer to how much time has passed, as here:

Since yesterday, all I've thought about is you.

You couldn't use the synonym "because" in that sentence. The same goes for "while" when you mean "at the same time as":

I thought about you while I was moping around.

"Although" would not make sense there.

Sometimes, readers may be unsure which sense of the word you mean, and that is when you should avoid using "since" and "while" to mean "because" and "although." The following two sentences could be interpreted in two ways:

Since they spoke, she's had second thoughts about her answer. ("Since" could mean "from the time that" or "because.")
While I loved her, she was not good to me. ("While" could mean "during the time that" or "although.")

Therefore, in cases where readers could interpret your meaning in two ways, stick with "because" or "although."

Fake Rule 3: You're not allowed to use "over" instead of "more than."

No actual grammatical rule states that "over" cannot be used instead of "more than" to mean "in excess of." It seems that some grammarians object to "over" simply because they're used to doing so. It's just a tradition, and it's time to break it.

Go ahead and choose whichever one sounds better in your particular sentence. For example, you could say you ran "over a mile" or you ran "more than a mile." Either way, you'd be a bit tired. You could also say the price is "not over $5" or "not more than $5." In these cases, either choice sounds fine.

Other times, one or the other will sound better. With ages, "over" usually sounds more natural:

Unfortunately, I am now over 39. (Not “I am now more than 39.”)

On the other hand, “more than” sounds better than “over” in this sentence:

His salary went up more than $1,000 a month. (That's quite an achievement, and it sounds more natural than “His salary went up over $1,000 a month.”)

In these last two columns, you've seen that it can be fun to ignore grumpy grammarians. From now on, though, I'll probably return to being a bit grumpy myself. I hope you won't ignore me!