From a Web site:
"Simply apply today, and once approved, we'll provide you with all the tools and content you need to succeed."
This sentence makes me ask, "Who is applying and who is approving?" Not we!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
DOWN WITH CRIMINAL SENTENCES!!
Posts
"The Writer" Magazine Column
In 2009 and 2010, The Writer published 20 online columns and one print article of mine. These essays covered everything from semicolons to wordiness. The full text of all 21 are here on my blog!
Criminal Sentence Rap Sheet
- Blatant Self-Promotion (6)
- Books You Might Like (If You've Already Read Mine) (2)
- Capitalization (11)
- Dumb Mistakes (60)
- Encounters at Stores (2)
- Facebook account (1)
- Grammar (220)
- Grammar in the news (11)
- Grammar in Unexpected Places (2)
- Grammar-Related Articles (1)
- Guest post (2)
- Guest-written Episodes for Grammar Girl (73)
- National Grammar Day (2)
- poll picture (1)
- Poll Results (172)
- Punctuation (163)
- Questions from You (21)
- Questions to You (1)
- Rewriting Practice (1)
- Spelling (213)
- Style (65)
- Tips (2)
- Truly Criminal (2)
- weirdness (11)
- Word Choice (46)
- Wordiness (12)
- Writer Magazine (22)
- Your Own Criminal Sentence (1)
About Me
- The Sentence Sleuth
- I'm a copy editor and writer. I wrote The Curious Case of the Misplaced Modifier: How to Solve the Mysteries of Weak Writing, published in 2006 and now available in paperback. In 2007-2008, I wrote "The Sentence Sleuth" column for Writer's Digest magazine.
Followers
Blog Archive
-
▼
2010
(259)
-
▼
October
(17)
- Reader Question: Footsteps
- Reader Question: Compounding's
- Criminal Sentence 466: Typing Trouble
- Criminal Sentence 465: Think about That Comma
- Poll Results 108
- Criminal Sentence 464: Peeved Typo
- Criminal Sentence 463: Speed in a Lighter Color
- Criminal Sentence 462: Painful Sentence
- Criminal Sentence 461: Spelling Check
- Poll Results 107
- Criminal Sentence 460: Missing Cyclist
- New Grammar Girl episode: Think Different or Think...
- Criminal Sentence 459: Not Five Stars, Starbucks!
- Criminal Sentence 458: A Prize for Spelling It Right
- Criminal Sentence 457: Witchy Bugger!
- Poll Results 106
- Criminal Sentence 456: I Don't Approve!
-
▼
October
(17)
5 comments:
I'd rewrite it like this: "Simply apply today. Once approved, we'll provide you with all the tools and content you need to succeed once."
The sentence is readable and understandable, but the writer has used ellipsis rather loosely:
Simply apply today, and once [you are/have been] approved,...
The first clause is in the active mood, the second in the passive, and the verb form changes too substantially, I think to make the sentence passable. The subject and verb should be written out and the "you with" cut in the second independent clause.
Anon, sorry, but our rewrite is still incorrect. The "we" of the sentence is not going to be approved. It could read "Once we approve you, we'll ..."
Thanks for acknowledging my comment. Much as you are right in saying that my rewrite is not right, I'm a bit doubtful if you are not being extremely pedantic. In other words, I think you examine sentences too minutely whether or not it's actually necessary. To cut long story short, I'd still contend that my rewrite is right, for the two sentences are closely related; therefore, what is that needs to be approved (second sentence) is understood from 'apply today' (first sentence). The risk of meaning 'we' being approved is out of question!
Sorry Anon. I'll have to agree with TSS. ANYthing that interrupts the flow, ANYthing that distracts from the content, ANYthing that throws the reader out of the story, can and SHOULD be eliminated.
Yes, we can leave out details for the reader to conclude on his/her (their?) own, but it shouldn't allow the reader to be confused.
(Ah! "We can leave out details for readers to conclude on their own...")
Post a Comment